a lot of the time, iām either busy doing something where i literally cannot respond or overstimulated.
when iām overstimulated, i physically cannot talk or barely register what someoneās saying. i also have trouble understanding out loud speech for some reason, where iām listening but canāt process the words.
when my sister asks or says something, i often ask her to repeat it because itās a lot of information. she says something like ānever mind, you donāt care anyway, itās not importantā when i ask to be repeated.
she doesnāt care when i told her why i need it to be repeated.
she also thinks iām mad at her all the time, gets frustrated when i donāt talk (because im incapable), and starts talking badly about herself when i donāt laugh at her humor (which consists of loud screeching and tiktok ābrainrotā words)
since then, i decided to feign laughter so sheāll not think iām upset with her.
i do try to be there for my sister, but thereās times where i cannot or just canāt talk.
By taking care of her. Take initiative, propose movies / games / ice-creams whatever. Things you like, things you think sheāll like. Sheās having a hard time reaching out to you, do your best to reach out to her.
Itās not your fault, but it isnāt hers either. Try to have fun together, sheāll get to know how you work and you donāt one step at a time.
i will, thank you so much. i told her she could watch tv with me. would it be rude to tell her to stop playing screaming videos because i donāt like those videos ?
You canāt deny what she likes ; what you can do is ask her to explain: what is it about it that resonates with her? Can we sit down, turn the volume way down, and spend a few minutes checking out her favās in that style while she tells you why she likes that stuff?
(The subtlety here is not asking her to justify herself, but to explain to that out-of-the-loop, quite-geriatric Dear Bro)
Her answers donāt matter much - what matters is asking her to view the topic critically, and verbalise it that so that you āgetā that side of her.
Also, āI love you but I fucking hate that shitā can work you know.
Good luck.
No, spending time with someone means doing something you both enjoy. At least it is in my book.
My 7 year old son generally understands that when we watch TV or movies together we all pick a family show or movie to watch together, and not just whatever he wants. Or if someone vetos a suggestion you counter-offer as well.
So if she suggests brain rot, you suggest something you both might like. The Wild Robot recently came out on streaming and was a really great movie. She might like that if you are hurting for movie ideas.
Try to so something somewhat special. Maybe somewhere quiet, then you can listen to her more easily, right?
Special is anything that you donāt usually do.
Sheās a kid, you are hardly an adult. Just be kind, the things you are going through she canāt really understand at that age. And the things that a big deal to her, arenāt that big of a deal for you.
When you both are older and more mature you will hopefully just remember that you were kind and not the teenage drama that comes with adolescence and finding your place in the world.
It sounds like sheās constructed two competing versions of you in her mindāan idealized version that always understands and sympathizes with her, and a second version constructed from all the times youāve failed to live up to those expectations.
If you canāt be her idealized version of yourself, you can demonstrate that youāre not the second version, either. Focus on proactively doing things for her when sheās not expecting you toāeverything you do that doesnāt match what her mental model of you predicts youāll do will weaken that model in her head.
Pay attention to her ābids for connectionā. When she asks something, even if it is something simple, such as a request to look at a meme on the phone, try to accept the bid and do look at her meme.
Also, why not just ask her? āHey sis, I see that you are unhappy with the way I treat you. I am sorry, I will try to do better. Can you tell me what it is that you want me to do more?ā
Seems like she really likes you but she is not feeling love from you. She wants that.
Honestly, you might just have to wait until sheās done with puberty. This just sounds like a typical teenager whose brain is addled with hormones. Itāll die down with time.
Shes going through puberty. Sheās gonna be pretty looney for a while. Just buy her something nice, watch a movie with her she likes, give her a hug and be prepared for nothing to change because her hormones are driving her nuts.
Kids want attention, whether itās negative or positive they want it.
Try to give her some undivided attention each day.
Tell her what you think about things but donāt nag.
I donāt get the overstimulated. Do you have a particular condition?
autism and my dissociation causes me to be unable to talk when im too stimulated
is your sister aware and does she have anything that might complicate things as well?
This is going to sound cold and impersonal, the opposite of what you want, but have you considered having a script to use when you are overstimulated. It could be as short as a catchphrase like saying āhell yeah sisterā to everything she says or something more in depth. That way you have something to say even if you donāt have something to say.
Work on building capacity in yourself to engage. You may be less naturally skillful at interacting, but everyone can improve. Youāre not that much older than her either. Be kind, open, and honest with her. Ask open ended questions. Make time.
Your sister sounds awful. Whatās your question, though?
oh, thanks for that, i edited it :)
There was this really great podcast (whose name escapes me now) about a therapist who deals with serial killers, and some come from rich background and some come from poor backgrounds, and some were beaten by their carers and some werenāt beaten at all. No particular trigger or remorse for why they did what they did, just a vague sense of curiosity
One thing a lot of them did have in common though is neglect. You could have a kid who is completely pampered from the moment theyāre born, but if they never receive any love or meaningful attention, any visible sign that their thoughts and feelings are valid, and that theyāre not just a visitor in their own world, then that continual act of neglect is greater than any kind of physical abuse they might get.
So, um, yeahā¦ your post just, uh, yeah. Yep.
lol what a fucking stupid thing to say
hahaha glad someone liked it
While youāre pop psyching over there ya might want to look up āparentificationā
I did, how does that apply here?
your comment is heavily intimating that the 18 year old would be responsible if the 13 year old turned out to be damaged from neglect. That duty does not fall on siblings. it falls on parents. By shifting that responsibility you are attempting to make the sibling the parent in this dynamic.
Oh no, I wasnāt trying to put the blame on the 18yo - I was just saying that neglect is one of the worst forms of abuse there is, whomeverās shoulders that may lie on
thank you so much :)
